


Is Dave there?

by bloomoonbaby



Category: League of Gentlemen (TV), Red Dwarf
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 14:39:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomoonbaby/pseuds/bloomoonbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short fan fiction depicting what could happen if Papa Lazarou ended up on Red Dwarf. Posted on tumblr originally as a response to an user who pondered if there was a crossover between Red Dwarf and League of Gentlemen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is Dave there?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geekingermany (tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=geekingermany+%28tumblr%29).



Rimmer was just strolling past an airlock on Deck C when he heard a strange knocking noise. His head whipped around to the door and very much to his astonishment a man was grinning at him through the circular window. A base layer of black paint covered his face, white paint smeared around his beetle black eyes and his sharp rotten teeth. Black wiry hair barely contained by a top hat finished off the crazy, terrifying look of this odd creature.

“What the smeg!” Rimmer yelped and he suddenly pelted down the corridor to the nearest computer terminal. He quickly tapped a couple of buttons and brought up a video link with the sleeping quarters where Kryten was folding laundry and Lister and the Cat were playing coconut hockey.

“Lister!” called Rimmer, Lister looked his way for a second before choosing to ignore him and he smacked the coconut at Cat who blocked it before straightening his  sparkly forest green suit.

“Lister!” Rimmer demanded for his attention “There is a smegging man in our airlock! Get your arses down here with bazookoids stat!”

“Wha..?” said Lister who walked up to the screen where Rimmer’s pale and snarky face projected on. Rimmer took a deep breath.

“There is something in the airlock. Come down!” So they did, but they stopped twice on the way so Lister could grab a curry and so Cat could update his cufflinks. One hour later they sauntered down the corridor with bazookoids to see Rimmer standing in front of the airlock his foot tapping irritably.

“You took your smegging time!” Rimmer snapped.

“Hey sorry Rimmer, I was hungry.” Lister breezed “Now what is the big problem?”

“That” Rimmer pointed. Cat, Kryten and Lister peered in to see the man. It grinned and it said something no one could hear because the airlock was soundproof.

“Why didn’t you let him out?” asked Lister.

“That thing looks smegging suspicious don’t you think? Not a good look for a superior officer to get blasted all over his ship by some bastard who looks like he comes out of those 18th century racist films”

“The 20th century, Sir” corrected Kryten who hadn’t said anything yet.

“Whatever Kryten!” grumbled Rimmer “So what are we going to do about him?”

“Let him out of course” grinned Lister and before anyone could stop him Lister opened the airlock to allow the man to step in.  
 The man stepped out and looked around before leering at Lister.

“Hello! Is Dave there?”

“Yeh, know my name!?” Lister asked surprised.

_10 minutes later_

The four boys were tied together in the sleeping quarters which was more of a mess than usual. Kryten’s head had exploded from the total disregard shown to his laundry now ruined by something like chocolate cake crumbs. The Cat was in hysterics his favourite emerald ring had been ripped from his finger. Rimmer’s screams verged on ultrasound, his eyes wide and bulging, he tried to grab Lister’s hand who had been knocked out by a nasty blow to his head. Papa Lazarou finished blocking the toilet with a variety of magazines and he strode up to the four men. He stood up overly straight and stared down his nose at the four on the ground before leaning in closer until his face was an inch from the terrified hologram.

“You’re my wife now.”


End file.
